


humpty

by teorema



Series: mitski [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Break Up, Finding Purpose in Life, Getting over a break up, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad, accepting yourself, but with a happy open ending, getting old, kinda different, lee minho is bad a feelings, mid life crisis, short fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:20:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25333789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teorema/pseuds/teorema
Summary: It comes a time in your life, as you get older, that comfort is the only thing that lasts. Yet, being comfortable is not Minho’s thing, it has never been. A wild soul looked inside a comfortable unhappy life, waiting for the day something new might happen. When it does, he finds it difficult do deal with. Still, it’s not the end.orMinho and Jisung break up, leaving their misery behind. Now they both have to learn to live again, by themselves.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: mitski [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813873
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	humpty

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is kind of a different concept from what people are used to read. It’s not about love and romance, but finding love in yourself, trying to love who you are and finding ways to live your life without a person. It’s Minho centered, since I follow his journey. I don’t know if your guys are going to like it, but I taking a risk by posting something that seems a little bit different. I hope y’all like. I tried my best writing how Minho feels, so sometimes it’s going to be ugly.

When Minho woke up that morning life felt numb, once again. He was a little bit tired of the numbness but sometimes its easier to pretend you’re not feeling things, not being honest to yourself is a mistake but when your truth is way too heavy to take care of, that’s your only choice. He got up off the same bed with the same sheets, the same smell of the same cleaner, stepped on the same cold floor with his bare feet, walked towards the same bathroom and did what he’s used to, brush his teeth, look at himself at the mirror notice that he has some wrinkles going on the side of his eyes, that underneath of eyes things are getting darker, that he looks a little tired, then he washes his face, take one of his pills and smiles at himself. As he used to do before, now it’s more of a forced smile, but yet he can’t live without doing that. 

Minho gets inside his clothes, he doesn’t have many options. His dream was to dance, but capitalism is a little bitch, so he went for a law major, probably the most boring major you could have but the paycheck is comforting. Minho has always been wild and rebellious, but when it comes to an age you must get used to comfort, even though your life might not make sense anymore. Comfortable, that’s what his life was, nothing more than comfortable. 

By that time, Jisung is probably making something to eat. He wakes up one hour before Minho does because he has always something to do in the morning, with a closed face, because he hates doing stuff in the morning, but he still does. He still does a lot of things, so does Minho. Even though they might hate it.

Minho gets out of his room, his shoes cooing all over the apartment, it smells like eggs, Jisung is not the greatest cook, so making eggs is comfortable, eating eggs is comfortable. 

“Morning, Ji,” Minho says, a little bit tired, as always. And Jisung looks away from the sink, he has his hair up, one of the only things that changed in 5 years, Jisung is much younger than Minho, life hasn’t got him yet. So his face still looks like it used to look, but now he has his hair up and fancier clothing. 

“Morning, Min,” He says smiling, Minho wants to know where Jisung finds reasons to smile every single morning, to laugh out loud watching romantic comedies, maybe it’s the fact that youth still exists inside him. Youth has left Minho, like most of his dreams. “I made us eggs!” I know, Ji. I know. 

“Did you feed the cats?” Minho asks, looking around trying to find one of them walking around the house.

“First thing in the morning, It’s in the list of obligations you did… I don’t like it, but it sure reminds me of doing things,” He sounds normal and passive agressive at the same time, Minho ignores that completely, he doesn’t want to fight he just wants to see his cats. 

Soonie comes running from the living room straight to Minho, she rubs her tiny face on his ankles, Minho squats to pet her head. His cats are getting old just like he is, he realizes the white hairs over Soonie’s yellow fur and once again realizes how the time has passed, quickly yet painfully slow. He remembers, his college dorm is a mess, Soonie is a little bit smaller, has more energy, so does Minho, even though he has spent the night at a party he still has some energy - he misses having energy -, he has just met some cute boy with blue hair at that party, young, energetic, pretty, worth talking to. And then as vivid as the memory is, it fades and that face he remembers so clearly is staring at him, he still has the puppy eyes, the eyes Minho fell for. However, everything feels and looks different, the apartment is clean, Minho has no energy, Soonie is bigger, tired as his owner, and Jisung is not the same too, nothing is the same. 

“I know you’re working a case now, It might be stressful… But I was wondering…” Jisung talks a little bit quieter, looking away from Minho’s face, he’s twice as shy now, and Minho asks himself if he’s the one to blame, “We should have a nice dinner today, it’s been a while since we haven’t been out,” 

“We don’t have money to do that,” Minho says, getting up, he sounds cold and he doesn’t want to.

“But it’s just a night, Minho, cmon. It’s going to be fun,” He tries, Jisung tries so hard and it makes Minho want to cry, run away, disappear. But he doesn’t do any of those, he lets out a sigh, a long sigh. 

“Jisung, you don’t have a job, we can’t afford going out now,” Minho says and Jisung that seems too excited dies right in front of him. His face closes so quickly it’s honestly scary. 

“Minho, why do you have to keep bringing that up?” He sounds hurt, truly hurt, Minho knows he wants to run his hand through his hair but he can’t because he worked hard on it, so he just rubs his hands on the side of his pants. It’s predictable, everything both of them does is predictable. 

“Maybe because It’s my problem, too?” Minho says and then sits down at one of the chairs on the table, Jisung is standing in the front of the sink, looking at him with that face that Minho learned to hate, because he feels guilty, “Our situation is getting harder, Jisung, you not having a job is my problem too” 

“Maybe if you supported me more…” Jisung says, almost whispering, and Minho sighs again, this time even louder. Something boils inside him, he thought time would help him with his short temper, but it didn’t.

“I don’t support you? You’re telling me I don’t support you?” Minho highers his voice, he’s angry and tired, confused even. Things are heavy, so heavy, “I gave you a house to stay, food for you to eat, money for buying suits so you can find a job, and suddenly I don’t support you?”

“Everything for you is money, you changed Minho, you really did,” Jisung says, “I never asked you for any of those, all I ever asked was love and you became so cold it’s like I don’t even know you anymore,” 

“Life does that to people, someday I’ll learn to be cold, probably in the hardest way,” Minho believes in his words, at least he thinks he does, Minho stopped believing a long time ago. 

“Life does actually suck, Minho, I give you that,” Jisung sounds so tired, so tired, “But being cold is your choice, I’ve given everything up too, but I didn’t want to live my life being sorry for myself like you do,” Jisung turns around and holds the sink behind him, “You pretend like you’re the only one here who’s actually struggling, I’m not happy all the time too, I’m not proud of myself too, but I try Minho, I try,”

Minho stares at Jisung’s back, the way the suit is a little bit oversized since he’s a little bit smaller than it the average, he remembers how he used to clingy to his back when they slept together for the first times, realizes how he doesn’t do that anymore, not that often. “Maybe you should stop trying then, maybe if you do things would be easier,” 

Jisung turns around again, his fluffy cheeks are red, so are his eyes, “I’ll never understand the way you think, never,” He says and then starts to walk forward straight to the bedroom, “Your eggs are in the plate over the balcony, enjoy your meal,” 

Minho sighs and puts his face into his hands, he rubs his face aggressively, he wants to cry, to run, to disappear. But he doesn’t do any of those. He asks Jisung if he’s going to eat his eggs and Jisung answers “later”, that’s how most of his mornings have been. 

At the office, he stares blankly at the fish tank in the reception. They swim around, completely unbothered, he watches the bubbles in the water, cleaning their house, it’s all so easy, they don’t have any responsibilities, they just swim around. Goldfishes have their mouths pointing down like they’re always sad or angry, and when he thinks about the fact that at some point they’re going to know every single corner of that water tank, and as soon as they realize that, they will know, they’re trapped. Slowly, the fish tank is going to get smaller, boring, tiring, Minho feels like a fish that has been in the same fish tank for so long, the only thing he wishes is to go swim in the ocean. 

When he gets home that night, he drops his bag in the floor, and takes the bag filled with Chinese food to the kitchen, when he looks for Jisung in the house, he finds him in the living room, sleeping in the couch, with a social shirt and boxers, Doongie sleeps over his tummy. He goes to their room and brings him something warm to cover his body. After Jisung and Doongie are covered, Minho looks at them for five minutes, everything is running throughout his mind. He thinks about how much he used to love Jisung, about how pretty he still is, and about the way he begs every night before going to sleep that when he wakes up in the morning he’s back in that messy dorm room, young and filled with hopes. That night when he sleeps, he asks for that again. Sadly when he opens his eyes the next morning, he’s still 29, and at the same semi-empty bed he sleeps every night hoping he had a time machine. 

Minho smiles at the mirror that morning too, the smile is getting even smaller. When he goes to the kitchen, his eggs are waiting for him on the table, but Jisung isn’t. He has already left. When Minho sits down to eat, one little teardrop over the yellow plate, and then another. He pulls the plate forward and lays over his arms in the table, crying his eyes out. His chest gets a little smaller, he feels like he cannot breathe and Minho screams, at the top of his lungs, trying to undo the tight feeling all over his chest. It never works, even though he always tries. 

Sometimes, Life is just as empty as his house when Jisung leaves first. 

Fish tank. Yellow carpet. Wood table. Two pens, one is blue, the other black. Laptop. Emptiness. Minho takes notes at everything he sees. 

Before going home that night, he buys a pack of cigarettes, it’s been a while since he hasn’t bought one. He wishes he had someone to call, someone to talk to, but he doesn’t. Jisung is right about him changing, he changed so much that Jisung is everything he has left. And he’s losing that too. 

He sits down somewhere close to his apartment, lights a cigarette and starts to think about the fish tank again. Do the fishes look outside the tank and think about how would it be to be outside of the tank? Even though they know they might die without the water. Do they ever get tired of swimming and swimming all day? Do they also want to quit? Minho thinks about how they would react if they had feelings, how they would react if they discovered they’re trapped inside four glass walls, able to see everything outside it but never actually know how everything really is. 

Jisung is the couch again, this time he had a cover before Minho arrived, probably in a way to represent that he doesn’t need him. So, Minho goes straight to his room, Dori follows him there, lays down just by the right side and Minho clings into her small and furry side. That night, he cries himself to sleep. Enjoy the company of his cat. Not completely lonely, but lonely. Lonely, lonely that is you. 

That morning when Minho wakes up with his eyes red, swollen, and a headache, he listens to some harsh moviments, he doesn’t do his morning routine, intrigued with the sudden noise. He doesn’t realize that there are things missing in the closet when he gets up. It’s way too late to panic, or to think when he gets to the living room and almost falls over a big suitcase.

“Jisung?” Minho calls, his trying to get things straight, he had just woken up, he knows what might be happening but at the same time, he doesn’t want to believe. Jisung gets out of the kitchen, cheeks red, “What are you doing?” 

Jisung stares at him, he bites his lips so tightly and when he realises it, he lets out a long sigh too. “I’m leaving you, Minho,” 

Minho feels like his lungs stopped working, just like a fish who left the fish tank. He opens his mouth and stares at Jisung, the same puppy eyes, now filled with tears that seem hard to hold. Same lips, with teeth marks. Same heart tattoo on his wrist. Minho just can’t believe it. “Why?” He asks, knowing one hundred reasons why. 

“Because I want to leave you while I still love you,” Jisung says, Minho’s heart falls inside his chest, like a hurricane just started inside him, “And it was getting so hard, to still love you, and I don’t want to hate you,”

Minho doesn’t know how or why but his legs lose strength, he falls on his knees, at the door and just looks straight up to Jisung. While I still love you. While I still love you. His mind keeps repeating those words, loud and clear. What happened to him? To became so unloveable, who killed Minho? He wanted to make that one of his law cases, but he knows the answer was, he killed himself, after graduation when he feels the weight of having to live a life he didn’t want. And now that weight of bringing Jisung with him falls over his shoulders, maybe that’s why his legs are weak. 

“I’ll be moving out to live with my mom again, at least until I find a job. That’s going to better for us. To me, to me,” Jisung says and Minho can’t find any words, he just can’t, nothing comes to his mind. Only despair, like he’s losing his breathe like his lungs are dying, he is the fish that tried to leave the tank. 

“You’re not going to say anything?” Jisung says, his voice is breaking, he’s holding his tears, with so much strength. Jisung is so strong, he’s so strong. Strong enough to hold Minho up for 5 years, Minho realizes, he gave all the material things, and Jisung gave him a reason to try. But Minho is weak, Jisung might be strong, but Minho is weak. He let allowed himself to fall. 

“Fine then, I’m leaving,” Jisung says and he tries to look back, waiting for Minho to beg him to stay, he wants to but he cannot find the strength to do so. Minho wasn’t made for losing anyone, he wasn’t made to beg, he’s afraid of loneliness but incredibly talented on accepting it. Because he’s afraid Jisung would say no, he’s afraid, he’s terrified, absolutely terrified. Minho was tired, so tired, tired of eggs in the morning, tired of fights, tired of everything. Yet, he’s unable to function without Jisung. 

He doesn’t cry or say a word. Minho freezes right there, on his knees at the floor, watching Jisung close his luggage, grab his phone, his keys, biting his lips to hold back the tears. Minho did nothing, said nothing, he froze while feeling every piece of his heart, life, and house, breaking and falling down to the floor. And as soon as Jisung left from the door he fell too, hitting his face on the cold floor. Minho held his own knees onto his chest, and when he felt the loneliness hit when he felt the cold breeze left behind because the warmth wasn’t there anymore, the weight of his now broke world fell over his shoulders. He cried. Whizzed even, screamed at the top of his lungs like he felt someone ripping his skin apart, crushing his heart with bare hands, it was the pain. Pure, rough, terrific pain. He had never felt that way. Broken. He thought he was broken before. He wasn’t. That’s how being broken feels. 

It was about an hour of screaming, whizzing, crying, exploding inside, it was one intense hour of storm. A storm that takes your house way, makes all the trees fall and that leaves every single piece of the city destroyed. Destruction. That’s all that he has left. And he can’t afford to repair it. 

Minho felt like his life was over. He doesn’t remember getting up and grabbing his phone, he doesn’t remember calling Changbin or crying as loud as he could in the phone without saying a word. He doesn’t remember finishing the call, he doesn’t remember that he fell into the floor again and slept with his tears wetting his face. 

After a little time of darkness and twisted numb dreams that evolved blue hair, holding hands, hurricanes, and sounds of thunder. Minho hears the loud sound of his doorbell ringing it sounded very distant and then twice as louder than it was 2 seconds before, Minho woke up scared, got up numb stepped at a broken glass without realizing the pain. He opened the door and Changbin was there, eyes wide open like he saw a ghost and he might see one, the ghost of Minho. 

“Minh-,” He started and then looked around and then to the floor, “What the fuck happe- Fuck, your bleeding,” He said terrified, Minho was so numb he didn’t understand what he was talking about until he felt a very bad itch on his left foot. Minho looked down and saw a little puddle of blood underneath his feet, he was in fact bleeding. 

He couldn’t react though so Changbin picked him up by his armpits, since when Changbin was so strong? He doesn’t know, it’s been such a long time since they haven’t seen each other. 1 year to be exact. He had changed, his hair is longer now, he’s dressed nicely, he doesn’t have a nose ring anymore, he looks so good. So better than when they were friends, Minho asked himself if that was the reason. If maybe he was the one who ruined people. 

Changbin walked towards away to the couch and sat Minho there, Minho dropped his head back and stares at the ceiling, Changbin got to the kitchen quickly and came back with a little box, that box Minho told Jisung it was dumb to have since their house was safe. Maybe it’s not safe anymore, because Jisung is not there anymore. Changbin moved Minho’s leg onto his leg and Minho moaned when he touched his feet. 

“Hang on, buddy, it might hurt a bit but just for a while,” Changbin said, he sounded terrified, he cleaned the blood and the cut with alcohol and Minho bit into his lips because that shit hurt like hell, it stopped hurting then, when Changbin put the bandage, he sighed. Changbin ran his fingers through his hair and then looked at Minho, “Where’s Jisung?” He asked, it was such an innocent question, but it hit Minho like a wave, and his eyes were suddenly wet again. 

“Oh,” Changbin said. He got up, and sat down right by Minho’s side, he held Minho’s head down and Minho laid on his lap. It was almost like a programmed action. Minho held on to Changbin’s pants and cried, as loud as he ever did. It’s the second time in years of friendship that Changbin has seen Minho cry. The one and only time before that was when Minho’s parents divorced. It’s like Changbin is always there when he sees everything that he loves collapsing right in front of him. 

Jisung was family, Jisung was the sun in the coldest days of winter, Jisung was strength, Jisung was his ribs, Jisung was the air inside his lungs. Jisung. He was everything he had. The only thing that lasted. Not anymore.

I love you, please, don’t leave me. Those were the things Minho wished he said, he wants to come back in time. That’s Minho’s problem, not enjoying things and only realizing how important they’re before losing them. Minho lives with the constant feeling of wanting to come back in time and doing everything again, he learned over and over again that it’s just not possible. Minho is unable to let himself be happy with the things he has. 

“Minho, do you want to spend some time with me?” Changbin asks and even though Minho thinks that he’s going to bother him, he agrees. He has to agree. 

When he’s getting his stuff ready to go, he realizes that he ripped some of his clothes, broke some glasses and plates and even his mirror. It was really destruction. Not only inside but outside, shattered glass, blood and pieces of clothing. Things he doesn’t remember doing. 

In the car, the radio is playing some catchy songs, Minho pays attention to it. He realizes that music was one of his favorite things in the world, a thing that he hasn’t been invested in years. It’s been more than 7 months that he hasn’t heard music because he wanted too, one of his favorite things. He remembers what Jisung said in that morning, two days before leaving him, he spent those last years so focused on being sorry for himself, accepting to be miserable that he forgot everything he used to like. He forgot how he loved to listen to music, how he loved writing, dancing, how he loved Jisung. 

“It’s all my fault, isn’t it?” Minho asks, and that’s the first thing he says all day, Changbin turns down the music and then looks to the side, he does that face, when he presses his lips together, he knows that’s something that pains him. 

“Do you want me to answer that, Minho?” He asks, he feels how awkward everything is, how awkward he made things by wanting sincerity because sincerity hurts, and it’s so scary. Minho nods and Changbin sighs, “Yeah, a good part of it is your fault, but yet I can’t blame you,” Changbin says, he sounds honest and his honesty now is so important. 

“I think I can blame myself, that’s what I’m good at doing. Taking all the blame,” Minho doesn’t like talking about how he feels, how he reacts when things happen, that’s the reason why when Jisung left he couldn’t say a word, “I was just thinking, I could’ve said something, something to stop him,” Minho’s words sound like despair, “But I didn’t,”

“Not that my opinion matters a lot but I think you did the right choice,” Changbin said and then the car stopped in traffic, so he had the chance to articulate his words, “Minho you were both tired, and I don’t think things would change, maybe for a few days, even weeks, but at some point, everything was going to come back, maybe even worse than they were,” Changbin takes a long pause and then stared blankly into Minho’s sad eyes, “It’s painful, probably the worst thing that you ever felt, but I truly think it was necessary,” 

“He said to me, that he was going to leave me when he still loves me,” Minho said and Changbin’s expression changed, he looks sad too, and Minho finds some kind of relief on seeing that expression. His head shouted very loudly, he cares, “It pains me, that I was becoming unloveable,” 

“Oh, Minho,” He knows Changbin wants to hug him, he’s not a hugger but he would accept that, because even though he was not a fan of hugs, he needed that, “It’s hard sometimes, to love someone that doesn’t love being alive, and I know he understood you, that’s why he keeps holding on. But there’s some point when he also needed to think about himself,” 

“Do you think I was selfish?” He asks.

Changbin stares at him again, the same sad face, “You were, but you didn’t have much choice. I get that, I truly do, but you kept more time thinking about how you hated everything and forgot the things you loved,” Changbin said the things Jisung always did, in other words, said what he started thinking about when he got to that car, in other words, however it hurts. It hurts to know everyone knew for so long and he just realized that.

“Maybe we needed that then, but I should’ve said that I loved him at least,” Minho says. And as he does, it sounds a little weird, he did love Jisung, he was everything he had but time made everything old, him, his love, everything. He wants to cry again, the most painful thing in the world is realizing things weren’t the same at all, Minho’s heart used to beat fast every time Jisung touched him, and lately, it wasn’t happening anymore. He missed feeling his heart hurting with the uncontrollable love, he missed how things used to be. Jisung, within a lot of things in his life, became a comfort.

“I think he knows that don’t worry, It would be worst if you told him that,” Changbin says, running his hands through his hair, he sighs, “I think knowing that would make him give up his freedom, he needs his freedom,” 

Minho went silent, he thought about the fish tank, how both of them were inside one. He thought for a while that he was the only one that felt like that like he’s trapped inside four walls, but he guesses Jisung was also wanting to see the ocean. He was just stronger, bolder, capable of holding on. Minho wasn’t, being miserable was also comfort, being miserable seemed to fit, because he’s extremely reluctant to change. 

When they arrived to Changbin’s house he saw the small differences. He has a new sofa, a better fridge, and pictures all around the house. Pictures of him and Felix, pictures of him and Jisung, pictures with Minho. Minho wishes he had pictures all around his house too because looking at those would remember moments that he was happy. Being happy seems like something so distant like it’s been such a long time since he hasn’t felt happy. He stares at one specific picture. It’s the four of them, Jisung has black messy hair, he’s smiling, he was wearing braces back then, he looks so pretty. Changbin is holding a beer and smiling too, Felix is holding on to his body, head bending to the side laying on Changbin’s shoulder. And Minho, Minho holds Jisung’s hand. He’s not smiling, but his eyes are shining, he notices how he has lost that sparkle, every day when he woke up, he looked at himself and smiled, but his eyes weren’t sparkling. He asks himself, when did that happened? He doesn’t know. 

When Felix arrived home, Minho was in the guest room but he listened to them talking, they were talking quietly, he couldn’t understand but he probably knew what they were talking about. What if Felix doesn’t want him there? What if Felix hates him for distancing himself? What if he hates him for ruining Jisung? Everything runs through his mind and he holds his breath. Until he hears a soft knock on the door, Felix opens it, he looks like a lost puppy. His hair is now blonde and it suits him a lot, his eyes are very expressive, more than Changbin’s, so he knows that at least he’s not angry.

“Hi, bub,” He says, he smiles in a reassuring way, his specialty, he’s really the best at making people feel supported. It’s a Felix thing, “You can stay with us as long as you want, ok? If you need someone to talk to, you have us,” Felix’s voice is very deep, yet when he’s doing his Felix thing, it’s sweet as an angel. Minho nods and Felix gets up, ready to go. 

“Lixie,” Minho calls, using the nickname he used to use back in college when they first met. When Minho had that playful, caring personality. The one his friends liked him for, the one Jisung fell for. The one time killed, Minho’s change was the perfect crime, a hidden one, that people try figuring out for years, until, the killer confesses. And the killer is planning to confess. Maybe though for the first time the killer actually gets redemption. 

“Uh?” Felix turns around to look at Minho, cute little sad eyes.

“I’m sorry I pulled you guys away,” Minho almost whispers, Felix looks at him and smiles. There’s something about the way Felix looks at people, it’s pure and kind, like a loving mother, it gives Minho a feeling of being understood. Every single time. 

“Oh, Minho,” Felix says, “You know, the difference between me and Changbin, and the reason we’re so harmonic is that I’m much more comprehensive. I don’t agree with you, but I get it, I can’t blame you,” 

“I don’t remember calling him, but even if I remembered it, I don’t understand why he helped me,” Minho says, he’s being sincere, Changbin is filled with hard feelings for people, and before what he did to Changbin is more than fair if he has any hard feelings towards Minho. Changbin has one of the best hearts ever, the purest nicest one but when someone does him wrong, he gets cold. 

“He loves you Minho, even more than he loves me,” Felix says, he looks at Minho, puppy eyes, “Which by the way is okay to me, because you’ve been with him since the beginning, you’re are special to him… At least the old you,” 

The old Minho. Someone he used to know, someone it’s been such a long time since he’s seen, that person you don’t see for such a long time you kind of forget how they look, the color of their eyes, the way they look when they smile, what he likes to do all by himself. Minho has a lot of people in his life that feel like that, it’s sad to know, that he’s one of those people, he doesn’t remember exactly how he looks when he smiles, what he likes to do when he’s alone. He didn’t know he missed himself before he knew people miss him too. 

“The old me,” Minho repeats and Felix looks at him with pity, the things he hates the most in the world. What he tries his best to avoid, but if the old him looked at where he got, maybe he would look at himself with the same eyes Felix looks at him, with pity. Minho asks himself now, what happened to him, why life hit him so hard, so hard that he can’t get up. 

Felix gets up and goes back to the door. When he leaves Minho throws himself down, laying on the bed he wants to cry, he wants to have the breakdown of the century. But he doesn’t do that, Minho reaches to his phone and goes straight to the app store, he downloads Spotify again, he doesn’t even know how to use it anymore. He listens to music that night, every music he can find, he doesn’t care if it’s not his style if he doesn’t know the lyrics. He just wants to hear it, hear something new and different, even though it’s not his piece of cake. He sleeps that night, he doesn’t know when or how, but he does, his brain goes completely numb, he doesn’t dream of anything, his brain only says some words of some song that he doesn’t know. No blue hair.

Minho wakes up with Changbin’s voice when he opens his eyes he sees that he slept with his shoes on, sideways in the bed. He looks at the light coming through the door and sees Changbin, messy hair, pajamas, and his glasses. He changed his glasses, by the way, it’s round now, he looks pretty with it.

“What time is it?” Minho asks, with his voice cracking, he did sleep for way too many hours, it’s been a long time since he hasn’t slept that much. Minho was always mentally exhausted, but never gave himself some time to actually sleep, he gave himself a chance, for the first time in a while. 

“Somewhere in the morning, don’t worry about time,” Changbin said, his slippers are cute, pink bunny, “I made you coffee,” For Minho, it was weird waking up and not feeling the smell of eggs in the morning, or vanilla perfume, it was weird to wake up with only one side of the bed messy. He was a fish that jumped out of the aquarium, dying slowly on the floor without air. 

Minho got up and Changbin left the door, there’s a bathroom in the room Minho went straight to the bathroom. When he saw his face in the mirror he got scared, there are scratches all over his cheeks, his eyes are swallowed, his dark circles are even darker, he looks like a ghost, his face is way too pale and his hair is messy. He doesn’t know himself when he stares at his own figure. It had been a while since he hasn’t scratched himself like that. 

He got out of the door, the apartment was very bright because of a huge balcony, there was no sign of Changbin inside the apartment, so Minho figured there’s where he is. On his way he realized that Changbin also had a lot of picture flames, him and Felix everywhere around the world, he loves the picture they took on Australia, Felix is glowing like the sun. There’s a picture of him, Minho and Jisung before Felix and Changbin met, they all look so young and happy, Jisung’s hair was green in that picture, a little bit before he and Minho started dating. He saw some spare pictures laying down he recognized the one on top. The picture of Jisung and him that day on the river, when Minho asked if he wanted to live with him. It was probably the best day of Minho’s life, Jisung cried and kissed him like never before, and Minho hates the fact that he’s never going to feel that way again, if he had an away to get his mind stuck somewhere it would be that day just to feel that happiness again, forever. To feel love, comfort, contentment. Jisung felt like home, their home felt like home, and lately, nothing felt like home anymore, his bed wasn’t comforting anymore, Jisung wasn’t warm like he used to be. Life with Jisung was sold like an endless summer until it became the unbearable winter. 

Changbin appeared on the balcony door, and called Minho’s name, Minho realized he was crying when he finds difficult to see Changbin because his eyes are blurry, Minho cleans his eyes quickly even though he knows Changbin has already seen it. He doesn’t know why for him is such a stigma to cry, weakness is Minho’s least favorite concept. Vulnerability, that’s the last thing he wants to show, Minho has grown to be strong and bold, but lately, he's not even a little bit. Minho is broken, the mask has cracked, his persona is dead, he's raw and naked. 

Minho walks towards the balcony and sits in a chair right by Changbin’s side, Changbin offers him a cigarette. It reminds him of the dorm times, when they used to live together inside that messy room full of fears and youth, they used to smoke and talk for hours, and hours straight, trying to figure out what life meant. Minho once again thinks about how he never saw that future he has, how he thought everything would be different. He lights the cigarette and smokes it slowly, Changbin looks at him, there’s a pity, curiosity, confusion, everything is there on his face. 

“Minho, what happened?” Changbin asks, looking at him, he’s so careful with his tone, he seems scared of him, Minho hates it, who has he become? Why his best friend sounds so scared?

“Good question, Bin,” Minho says, taking another puff, he closes his eyes, breathing deeply, “I think if I could answer it fully, but then it’s not easy, it’s deeper than it sounds,” 

“I know things aren’t good for a while, a long while, I guess,” Changbin takes a puff too, blowing the smoke away, “But what about Jisung? I mean, what about now?” 

“He left, Bin. He just left,” Minho says, he chokes on his tears, he’s hurt, so hurt, it’s so weird to feel something. It has been years of denying, years of numbness, it felt like all that pain is finally flowing, and he has drowned, “And I didn’t do anything, I just stood there, silent,” 

Changbin sighs, he sighs so sadly, it’s terrible, terrible, to hear, he doesn't know what to do, “Why?” He asks slowly. Minho stops for a while, to think, it’s hard to organize all the thoughts, his head feels empty yet full.

“I guess it’s because there was nothing I could say to change it,” Minho says, laying deeply on his chair, “I could ask him to stay, I could have, but what would change? I’m not myself anymore,” 

Changbin seems like he’s about to cry, and Minho is ready to give him company, he’s ready to have a day like he used to do. Screaming his fears out loud inside that small room, while Changbin cried with him, listening to his screams, trying hopelessly to make him feel better. Minho hates himself for pulling Changbin away, and he never told Changbin why he did that. The thing is, Minho got frustrated because Changbin was happy, not that he was jealous in a bad way, he just couldn’t see people being happy, because he wasn’t. It was stupid of him to be like that, but he couldn’t take it, the concept of happiness killed him inside because he couldn’t figure out what made him so miserable.

“I didn’t want to lose him, never, he was everything I had. But it wasn’t fair, driving him down with me, making him as miserable as I am,” Minho says, his chest was hurting, hurting so much that he couldn’t breathe properly, yet he kept smoking his cigarette, “I broke him, Changbin. I stole his soul when I lost mine, and I gave him no choice.”

“So you allowed him to choose to say goodbye,” Changbin says, “You chose to set him free,” He sighs, “That’s brave, maybe the bravest thing you have done in years,” 

“I found bravery being a total coward,” Minho says and laughs, a very fake laugh, but he does find that comic, funny, he just can’t express real happiness or a genuine laugh, “Maybe my silence hurt him too. Actually, I’m sure it did,” 

“Probably, I think he was waiting for something, but that’s something you refused to give him. And I don’t think that’s such a horrible idea, he left without confusion,” Changbin says, “I think you would hurt him anyway, telling him to stay, telling him to go, there’s no easy way out,” Changbin has already finished his cigarette and he was lighting another one, “That’s why I think it was brave because It wasn’t easy,” 

“Nothing is easy for me lately, everything seems like a burden to do. The thing that was the saddest for me is that Jisung became one of them, the thing I loved the most,” Minho starts crying again, crying hard, he chokes and the hiccups come, he doesn’t hold it back. It’s loud, he sobs, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Changbin drops his cigarette and rushes over to Minho, and hold him. His embrace is warm and comfortable, Minho cries so loudly that he screams in the middle of it, Changbin’s shirt is getting wet, and he doesn't care. It feels like crying is the only way for him not to feel empty and lost, it makes him not feel completely numb, he’s crying for him, for Jisung, for Changbin, for everything, everything hits him at the same time, maybe the sea isn’t that welcoming anymore, because it’s waves are scary. The fish drowns inside his old home because he has forgotten how to swim. 

After some minutes of wetting Changbin’s shirt, he stops and looks up, Changbin look at him, waiting for something, “What about my cats?” He asks, Changbin laughs and hugs him tightly.

Changbin is getting his cats and some clothes at his apartment, he denied to go with him he doesn’t want to see his house, his house doesn’t look his anymore. It’s like he has lost his place in the world, and maybe that sounds like he was depending on Jisung to exist, and part of it is true, but that’s not the point. His house was a construction, he found the place with Jisung, settled there with him, with his cats, they choose together almost every piece of furniture together. The point is that it wasn’t his house, it was their house, and that place, felt for years like it was the only place in the world that he really belonged. It’s a construction that has now been demolished. 

Minho fought for his place in the world, and he imagined himself in another place, he saw himself doing something else. He thought his place in the world would be so much more than a lawyer, having a comfortable living, with comfortable money. Minho was reckless and it sounds so ironic how someone that reckless would live by the law. He faced the fact that his place in the world was nothing more than a good apartment with his lover, for way too long, or maybe for way too little. He wanted to be stronger, to be bolder, to have hope, but he couldn’t take it. His life was a case he couldn’t solve, it doesn’t matter how long he reads his books, or studies cases that look like that, that one is unsolvable. So, he gave up.

Minho committed a crime, and sadly, Jisung got involved. He doesn’t know who got the worst sentence though. 

He waited patiently for Changbin to come back, with his cats. They’re the only thing that stayed, he’s worried about them, they’re coming to a new house and probably they’re going to miss Jisung. Especially Dori, when they went to sleep, Dori always slept by Jisung’s side, Doongie slept in between them and Soonie was very faithful to Minho always sleeping with him. But they were a family, and he dares to say that for a long time they were a happy one. Minho doesn’t remember when everything started to go wrong it was so many things happening at the same moment, and Minho started to get colder and colder, until the moment he broke. Jisung was so strong. Pulling up with all the shit and the fights, Jisung smiled throughout the whole falling apart of their construction.

When Changbin arrived, his cats were so scared and Changbin’s arms were all scratched, “They don’t remember their uncle anymore, I’m shocked and upset,” Changbin jokes and Minho smiles to him, holding the fact that it’s Minho’s fault that they don’t remember him. 

When his cats saw Minho they ran straight to him. Soonie held his father with his claws it hurt a bit but he’s happy because he missed them a lot. They’re kind of scared, but they’re kind of used to moving around, Minho always took his cats around with him, because he can’t live without them. Seeing his kids made him homesick. He remembers how all of them slept with them and Jisung, how doongie used to sleep over their heads and Dori used to cuddle with Jisung all night. They must miss him too. 

“Better know?” Changbin asked, when Minho looked up he saw Doongie laying down on Changbin’s lap. He smiled at him.

“Thank you,” He says and Changbin nods quietly.

“Felix is going to love seeing them, he always talks about how he misses your cats,” Minho’s heart drops, he knows how he abandoned both of them, how he left the people who cared about him, how they should’ve helped him because he doesn’t deserve. The guilty of reaching out when he had anything, the guilty of knowing that they might look at him and think that he’s someone that leaves and comes back when he doesn’t have anything. 

“Changbin,” Minho whispers, Changbin takes his eyes off Doongie and looks at him, “I’m so sorry,” His voice is so quiet that Changbin almost doesn’t hear him, he holds his tears. Saying that he’s sorry is his main difficulty, he’s way too proud to admit his own mistakes, not being perfect is something that makes him feel mediocre, sometimes he wishes to not be human, human stuff is something that bothers him. Minho hates himself constantly because he simply has feelings. 

“Why?” Changbin sounds innocent, Minho knows that Changbin understands, but Changbin has always been like that he wants to hear before making assumptions, Minho on the other hand, is a person that likes when things are simple, he tries to take a lot from smaller things. 

“You know what I’m talking about,” 

“Actually I don’t, there’s a lot of things and situations that this phrase was missing,” Changbin says and Minho looks down. There is, so many, back then when he used to have bad breakdowns and Changbin would deal with them without a thank you. How he used to be such a weight to carry and how it got worse and worse. 

“For leaving, for acting almost like you didn’t matter. You do,” Minho says, letting his head down. Changbin sighs, it’s weird the tone of that sigh, almost like a relief but very close to disappointment.

“It’s okay now, it took me a while to understand you at all. And I must admit I still don’t get most of it, but I love you still,” Changbin says, Minho sighs. He doesn’t understand either, he never did. It’s a complicated thing to live your life completely oblivious about your feelings like you can’t see yourself. Minho has this constant fear of not being seen, at the same time he’s not able to see himself. Time goes fast and every year living a lie, he became even more blind, not recognizing himself when he looked at the mirror.

“You shouldn’t love me, because you loved a different version of me, so did Jisung,” Minho says, “I’m not even myself anymore,” 

“You don’t want to be yourself, that doesn’t mean you’re not,” Changbin sounds like a dad, and maybe he is. Minho is older, he has been through a lot still he tends to be childish at times because he’s pretty stubborn and whiny. He’s the type to complain and fall apart and not actually fix the things that might be annoying him, maybe that’s why he stayed at a broken relationship for so long, Minho never tried to make things better or to stop pretending. He got too used to being apathetic and fake, it’s easier that way. Until something happens. 

“I really don’t,” He laughs nervously, Changbin sighs again, you can see that he’s upset, “But why should I? I mean I have nothing good in my life,” Changbin looks annoyed.

“You had, Minho,” He bursts out, his voice got a little louder, Soonie gets a little bit scared with his ears up looking around, “You had so many good things but you’re so negative that you focus on the bad stuff and lives like that, denying,” Minho shuts down, he looks at him, at Changbin’s face. His face is so familiar, every time he looks at him his mind gets bombarded with all the memories, all the moments. It hurts to hear the truth from someone you love, when a stranger tells you something like that you feel anger, telling yourself that person doesn’t know you. But Changbin, he knows him like the palm of his hand, he has been there, easy and bad times. Minho knows how long Changbin has held those words, and even though he’s not saying that to be mean, Minh feels him hurting, in every word of truth, every sigh he lets out when he’s hearing Minho say the same things he has said before. When he thinks about it, he had good things, Changbin, Felix, his cats… And Jisung. He feels this string of pain going through his whole body, burning his muscles, he’s filled with so much regret from leaving everyone behind, for being selfish. He looks straight into Changbin’s eyes, they’re a little down, like he’s going through something hard. He looks at him and thinks about all the moments he looked at them and they were up, it hurts then, realizing that it’s been almost 9 years since he saw those eyes shine around him. 

Minho gets up. It’s too much to process, too much to deal with, so many thoughts that won’t be complete, so many words he could say and still doesn’t find the order. It’s messy, rough and scary to be inside his head at that moment, it has been for a long time, but Minho is finally wake. He misses being apathetic, because he was used to dealing with a feeling that bothered him a little and not falling apart. Now, he feels like he’s not able to talk without bursting into tears, warm tears that make his face burn and get red. 

Minho runs away, as he always does. He looks himself in his room and slides by the door sitting on the floor, he can’t breathe, his lungs are missfuncioning again, he gasps for air, again and again, his struggle to find air getting louder and louder. He wraps his hands around his own neck, trying to find a way to breathe, his eyes get wet and then he feels oceans leave his eyes. He doesn’t know if it’s real, if it’s adrenaline or dispair, but they seem to roll down his face so quickly and so harshly it’s kind of frightening. He gaps and sobs like a small baby, scared when he wakes up at night hungry and alone. 

All the turbulence inside his body feels like he’s sailing in the deep sea, he gets sick for a while like he's going to throw up, it clogs his throat. He thinks he hears knocks in the door but his ears feel numb, like when water gets inside it and you can’t hear properly. He hears his gaps, and the loud noises that sound like screams. He wants to flounce to punch everything but his hands wrapped around his neck don’t move at all. It goes all dark again, the door opens but before he can see anyone get in, his eyes get so heavy and he doesn’t see anything after it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope yall like it!
> 
> Rainy


End file.
